Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
