i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
