rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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