he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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