So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
