Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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