I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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