I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
