i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
