The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
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She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
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Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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