Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
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my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
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Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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