I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it hurts more in the daytime
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
