batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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