3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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