hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
