it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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