sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
