Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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