Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
