I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
