shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
