Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
