while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Enjoy the penises
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
