Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
