Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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