If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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