I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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