it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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