Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
