just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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