Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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