my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?