As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?