Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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