When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
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I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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