I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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