My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
