I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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