Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
