If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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