I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
