You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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