"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
