Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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