Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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