why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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