my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Randomize
