The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he told me I talked like a deaf person
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
