I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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