I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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