Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
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Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
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I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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