high people should be assigned attendants
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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