I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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