WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
