I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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