3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
